


Of Goblin Piss and Handsomeness

by thearcherballet



Series: James Sirius Potter: Human Disaster [2]
Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Hot Professor Longbottom, James has a crush on Neville, M/M, Mentioned Rose/Scorpius, Public Humiliation, Queer Character, Rose/James Sirius Friendship, piss mention
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-04-21
Updated: 2015-04-21
Packaged: 2018-03-25 04:15:32
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,313
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3796354
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thearcherballet/pseuds/thearcherballet
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>James Potter, actual human disaster has yet another run-in with Professor Neville Longbottom, but this time it's Rose Weasley's fault.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Of Goblin Piss and Handsomeness

If there's one thing James Sirius Potter can call himself it's 'extremely attractive'.

It's not his fault he was blessed with the best genes in the wizarding world (who wouldn't want to have either The Boy Who Lived Twice or Most Attractive Holyhead Harpy To Ever Grace The Cover of Witch Weekly's babies). People always stared, no matter the gender or age of the person.  And this had always made him feel better.

But after the disaster that was that first breakfast of the year, making a fool out of himself in front of Professor Neville, he was starting to doubt his own charms.  He’d been so distraught as of late because of this that he’d even forgotten the password to enter the Gryffindor common room.  

And so, he sat outside the Gryffindor entrance on the stairs, miserably waiting for someone to come and open the door, and listening to the Fat Lady prattle on and on about something her friend Viola had told her the night before.  

With this in mind is that James doesn’t know whether to laugh or cry when he sees the characteristic red hair he’s grown so accustomed to seeing all his life running towards the Fat Lady, sneakers squeaking against the ground.  However, his feelings changed when he saw the run was of panic, not of wanting to get to their bed as fast as they could and take a two-hour nap at the end of lessons like he’s been known to do from time to time.  The girl, with her short hair flying wildly around as it does when not tempered in a little ponytail, was huffing heavily when she reached the portrait, hands on her knees as if she didn’t run every morning. This prompted him to get up from his spot and hold her.

“Dear Merlin, young lady you shouldn’t be running around the school, you could get hurt,” the Fat Lady interrupted her monologue to chastise her.

His cousin rolled her eyes, and glared at the talking painting.  “Oh, shove it,” she spat, to which the portrait spluttered about how rude teenagers were these days and decided to go to her friend Viola’s portrait instead.  It only made James lift his eyebrows in surprise at his cousin’s language towards the inanimate object.  

“Alright there, Rose?” he worriedly questioned, as she looked behind her shoulder as if to check the coast is clear.  

“Yeah,” she closed her eyes and forced herself to calm down her breathing, “just, give me a minute to compose myself.”

James nodded and waited for her to explain, though he very much just wanted to go to his dorm and wallow in self-pity whilst staring at that old picture of Professor Neville he’d snatched from his father’s old school album (he had scars on his face, and was bloodied, and it was damn sexy, might he add, but anyway).

“Albus and I got separated at the last moment, and it looks like he’s not gonna be coming around here anytime soon,” Rose said, and by the look of horror on her face she’d just thought out loud.

James looked at her pointedly. “Rose-”

“We didn’t do anything illegal, I promise,” she hurriedly exclaimed, hand pulling her own short red curls.

“As if that makes it any less suspicious,” James replied pinching the bridge of his nose.

“And as if you’re gonna rat me out, Mr. Potter-Longbottom,” she defied him, raising her eyebrows, which only made James huff and puff.

They stared at each other until James resignedly put out his hand.

“What ever happened to your “plausible deniability” rule,” Rose smirked as she shoved her hand into her bag.

“Yeah, well, some rules have to be broken for the sake of keeping this family alive.”

Rose took out a jar, holding it in her hands like the yellow liquid inside it were the most precious item she’d ever possessed.

“What’s this supposed to be?”

She turned the container around so that James could read the peeling label, smirking all the while.

“Goblin piss?”

“Goblin piss.”  Rose might as well be saying the name of her Quidditch hero.

“What the hell do you pretend to do with Goblin Piss?”

“Uncle Bill sent it to me so I could continue with my newest experiment for the shop,” then, with a twinkle in her eyes, she offered it to him, “wanna smell it? It’s not as bad as you think!”

James scoffed.  “Of course it’s not.”

“Albus smelled it,” she added smugly.  

“Give me that,” James said reaching for it, only for her to pull away and press it to her chest.

“Oh, but I thought you didn’t want it!”

“I said give it, ya tit,” James insisted, still trying to reach for it while Rose kept pulling away.  

James pinched her arm, which made her yelp out loud, and then they were struggling with the jar in both their hands, with Rose swatting away at him.  This is unfortunate, as they didn’t see the figure that appeared from behind the door of the common room.

“What’s going on here, kids?”

James and Rose looked up simultaneously at the voice, and Rose released the jar from her hands, making James hit his own chest with the jar as he stared with wide eyes at the questioning gaze of Professor Neville Longbottom.

James and Rose stared at each other, and before he knew it Rose was talking at the professor who stood there with his arms crossed.

“Mum sent us some of her famous lemonade and wanted me to give this to lovely James here, who absolutely adores it, right James?”  

He coughed at Rose’s charming smile and muttered right, knowing his ears were probably reddening fast by the second.

“Can I see?”

James wanted Voldemort to come back to life for the sole purpose of ending him right then and there.

“Yeah James, show him,” Rose said sweetly.  He added ‘skin his cousin alive’ to that list.

James, with trembling hands, turned over to Neville the jar of bloody goblin urine.

The professor examined the container, turning it all around in his hands, as James braced himself to when he’d see the label and-

“Goblin piss?” He quirked his eyebrow at James.

James looked at Rose who had sidled to the professor’s side and now was sporting an excited look on her face, glint in her eyes and everything.  He looked back at Professor Longbottom.

“It’s a nickname.”

Rose looked like she might as well start break-dancing right there.

“A nickname,” Professor Longbottom said incredulously.

“An inside joke, Uncle Ron loves inside jokes,” James forcibly laughed and jokingly punched Neville on the shoulder before realizing it and patting the same spot. He retrieved his rogue hand and rubbed the back of his neck.

All he wanted was to scream out SAVE ME FROM MY EVIL FAMILY AND ADOPT ME I DON’T DESERVE THIS.

But Neville just cleared his throat and gave the jar back to Rose, who’d gone back to her façade.  “Alright then, careful not to spill that Miss Weasley,” he said with a playful smile and walked away, hands in his pockets.

James just stood there watching him turn the corner, waiting for Rose to explode.

“Goblin Piss Potter, you are the epitome of smoothness,” Rose says between extremely loud guffaws that made James want to throw up. He no longer cared about public humiliation, this was beyond that, this was peak shame.  What made this worse was that he could not storm away from his cousin because he still didn’t know what the bloody password was.  Just as Rose started to double over with tears streaming down her reddened face, his brother strode over to where they were standing in front of the giant painting, Albus’ blonde friend walking behind him.  

“Did you manage to not break the jar as you were running away from Peeves?” Albus said, leaning back on a wall.

Rose wiped at the tears with the sleeve of her shirt and handed the jar over to the tall blonde boy.  “As promised, though no thanks to you, you spineless brat,” she said.  

“Oi, I distracted the poltergeist, you should be thanking me!” Albus’ hands flied around in distress, James merely rolled his eyes.  “Why does James look like someone destroyed his photo of Professor Longbottom?”

That’s it.  “Rose, what’s the fucking password, let me go,” he pleaded.  

This time she rolled her eyes and said ‘Gurdyroot’, and the Fat Lady let them in.  James stalked up to his room, with all intents and purposes of locking himself in the dorm forever.  Rose and co. stepped in behind him, probably to go and scheme in a corner of the Common Room and most likely end up roping him in for more humiliation.  He could care less at the moment.  

James ran up the stairs and flopped onto his bed.  Things still weren’t looking up for him, he thought as he closed the curtains around his bed and took out his Neville picture from under his pillow, now creased at the edges.

* * *

James was startled back from sleep when he heard someone calling his name outside the room.  Blearily, he flailed around for his wand, until he felt the picture laying beside him and hid it under his pillow again.  He noticed he was still wearing his uniform, but he grumbled sleepily towards the door, making sure to rub away the sleep from his eyes.  He didn’t know who he was expecting at the door but he sure as hell wasn’t expecting Albus’ tall blonde friend standing there with his Hufflepuff tie, well, untied, nervously biting at his bottom lip.

“I wasn’t sure you’d open the door, and I wasn’t going to barge into your room,” he rambled at James, feet shuffling in his spot.

James stared at him confusedly, until he remembered what had happened earlier.  He leaned his forehead against the doorframe, groaning.  “Did Rose send you here?  To apologize for her?  Not very Gryffindor of her.”

“Well, yes and no, we both know she won’t acknowledge the event, she enjoys it too much”  James quirked an eyebrow at the boy in question and crossed his arms, this time leaning his entire body against the doorframe in order to be able to look at the boy.  The boy took a deep breath as he took James’ change of posture as a sign to continue.  “What Rose did to you was an asshole move, no one likes to be humiliated in front of people they admire.”

James chuckled at that.  “So I guess she told you what happened.”

The boy nodded.  “Can I come in?”

James shrugged and opened the door for him to walk in, closing it behind him.  “You can sit on my bed if you want.”

The boy did as he asked, as James sat with his back against the bed frame.

“I love Rose, she’s my best friend, but she likes to put people on the spot, almost like she’s testing your courage be it by saying no to her, or going along with her improvisations,” he said as he played with the end of his comforter.

James sighed at his words.  “Too true,” he frowned at the boy.  “Is that why you’re here, because she’s done that to you?  You want to join my on-and-off ‘I Hate Rose Weasley’ club?”

The boy laughed at James’ words and James grinned at that.  His laughter was nice.  

“I don’t hate Rose, not even when she dumped me did I hate her,” he smirked at James, the dimple on his cheek ruining his handsome image.

“You dated Rose?”

“For a few months, until we realized we were better off as friends than a couple.  Don’t worry, it was all very mature.  Except when she now says things to fluster me in front of the person I like-”  

“Wait, you’re Scorpius?” James interrupted him.

“Well, yeah, who else?” he replied.

“Rose told me about you but never said who you were, sorry.  It’s just that you didn’t act all couple-y in public.”

Scorpius laughed softly at that, blushing a pretty pink color on his cheeks.  “That’s because Rose is a bit of the jealous type and doesn’t like showing off so that it didn’t attract attention from others.  People talk a lot around here, in case you didn’t know.”

James hummed at this.  “I don’t know if I would hang around an ex that could blackmail me if I didn’t go along with her plans.”

“Why do you think I still hang around?”

This time it was James who laughed loudly at that.  Scorpius looked like he’d won something, and smiled at his hands on his lap.

“Thanks for that, mate, I needed the laugh,” James said when he finished laughing and his giggles receded.

“Yeah, yeah, no problem, anytime,” Scorpius replied, nodding and biting at his lip again.  “Anyway, I should probably go, don’t think I’m supposed to be up here, and you probably have loads of homework to do.”

“Oh, alright, y’know, if you ever need to escape the clutches of the most annoying Weasley of them all, just find me, I can provide refuge for a while,” James said, back to his disaster-state.

But Scorpius merely grinned at him from the door. “I’d like that.”

He opened the door, and before he left he said, “Y’know, you could do better than Professor Longbottom.”

James flushed from his spot in bed, and because his tongue has a will of his own, blurted out, “Who, you?”

Scorpius rolled his eyes and grinned, “Maybe. Good night, James.”

James found had to forcibly close down his jaw, and had to stop himself from analysing what Scorpius had just said every five seconds.

Maybe Goblin Piss Potter wasn’t an actual human disaster after all is said and done.

**Author's Note:**

> I'd like to thank Ana @lesbianladydi on tumblr for the inspiration for this. And I thank my friends who encouraged me to keep writing even when all I want is to curl up in my bed and never get out most of the time. Hope you enjoy!


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